There are three distinct parts to the ancient Jewish wedding:
- shiddukhin (mutual commitment),
- erusin (engagement), and
- nissuin (marriage).
Shiddukhin: A Time of Mutual Commitment
“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
(Genesis 2:18)
Shiddukhin refers to the preliminary arrangements prior to the legal betrothal.
In ancient times, the father of the groom often selected a bride (kallah) for his son, as did Abraham for his son Isaac
(Genesis 24:1-4).
In Ultra-Orthodox Judaism today, many marriages are still arranged by a marriage broker or matchmaker called a
shadkhan. It’s considered an exalted and holy vocation to find and arrange a good marital match, called a
shiddukh, between a man and woman.
In ancient times, marriage was looked upon as more of an alliance for reasons of survival or practicality, and the concept of romantic love remained a secondary issue, if considered at all. Romantic love grew over time.
Of course, the consent of the bride-to-be is an important consideration. Rebecca (Rivkah), for example, was asked if she agreed to go back with Abraham’s servant to marry Abraham’s son, Isaac. She went willingly
(Genesis 24:57–59).
Likewise, we cannot be forced into a relationship with the Son, Yeshua (Jesus).
In the same way that Rebecca was asked if she would go with Abraham’s servant, the Holy Spirit (Ruach HaKodesh) asks us if we are willing to follow Him to be joined in a covenant of love with Yeshua.
Traditionally, in preparation for the betrothal ceremony, the bride (
kallah) and groom (
chatan) are separately immersed in water in a ritual called the
mikvah, which is symbolic of spiritual cleansing.
In Matthew 3:13–17, we read that Yeshua has already been immersed (baptized) by Yochanan (John) in the waters of
mikvah at the
Jordan River.
As the Bride-to-be, we are also asked to be immersed.
“Whoever believes and is baptized [ritually immersed] will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.”
(Mark 16:16)
Erusin: The Betrothal
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”
(Proverbs 18:22)
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After the immersion, the couple entered the
huppah (marriage canopy)—symbolic of a new household being planned, to establish a binding contract.
Here, the groom would give the bride money or a valuable object such as a ring, and a cup of wine was customarily shared to seal their covenant vows.
In this public ceremony under the huppah, the couple entered into the betrothal period, which typically lasted for about a year. Although they were considered married, they did not live together or engage in sexual relations.
To annul this contract, the couple would need a religious divorce (
get), which had to be initiated by the husband.
Matthew 1:18–25 provides an excellent example of this.
During the erusin of Yosef (Joseph) and Miriam’s (Mary), Yosef discovered that Miriam was pregnant, and he considered divorcing her, although he had not yet brought her home as his wife.
… he had in mind to divorce her quietly. But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.’”
(Matthew 1:19–20)
During the erusin period, the groom was to prepare a place for his bride, while the bride focused on her personal preparations: wedding garments, lamps, etc.
Although the bride knew to expect her groom after about a year, she did not know the exact day or hour. He could come earlier. It was the father of the groom who gave final approval for him to return to collect his bride.
For that reason, the bride kept her oil lamps ready at all times, just in case the groom came in the night, sounding the
shofar (ram’s horn) to lead the bridal procession to the home he had prepared for her.
In the Parable of the Ten Virgins (Matthew 25:1–13), Yeshua (Jesus) likened the Kingdom of Heaven to this special period of erusin, when the groom comes for his bride:
“At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps.”
(Matthew 25:6–7)
