God is real, with a capital G I mean.


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God is real, with a capital G I mean.

Have any of you heard of generational curses? Imagine being cursed since birth due to the sins of your ancestors.
I have in no way ever been normal though I strived to be just that my whole life, unbeknownst to everyone around me.
Honestly I don’t know when the voices in my head came about, nor did I realise they were in fact voices other than my own to begin with. A normal person may wonder how could you not realise? My answer is that you can’t tell when you are sick. I think to some degree these ‘voices’ had been around since childhood, although in a lesser state. I remember as a child I often did things that I can’t explain, strange urges, strange thoughts and habits.

I have a light example I can give.
When I was 8 years old we had pool noodles, my siblings and I would fight each other. I had been hit in the nose this particular day; My nose bled. I… enjoyed it, obviously when you enjoy something you will do it again, and so I did. This is easily something that can be explained as “just’ odd. But things I did as a child would only become more pronounced when I entered teenagehood, hence I became obsessed with my own blood at ages 12-15. If I couldn’t see my own blood after a while I’d become irritated, there would be these insistent loud thoughts repeating and an unbearable itch in my head. I drew pictures on my skin whenever I could, in class, on the bus, in my room… I couldn’t stop and my friends never told me to either. Of course I never told my mother… obviously.

I slowly became worse with time.
I was a rejected child and became a more rejected teen. I was a fearful child and became an anxiety ridden teen… to the point I couldn’t sleep or even catch a bus without crying in the public bathroom for 2 hours. I would randomly get these moments of rage, not anger but rage. Murder came to mind more then it ever should and i was very afraid of myself. Honestly in those moments I was barely sane and it was painful trying to restrain it so people wouldn’t realise, I felt at many moments the restraints would break and I would no longer be in control. Imagine feeling like your body and mind are on fire and these voices are constantly pushing you! your fingers and ankles start twitching, moments where people would be around were so much worse, if someone had tried to approach me i just don’t know if I could control them anymore, the thought haunts me. I also for some reason could not comprehend normal concepts like love and morality, though I tried hard… honestly it was so annoying that I had to put so much effort into understanding concepts others seem to inherently understand.😩

Around 15 things suddenly became much worse than ever before. No sleep, no care, anxious 24/7, more voices that were voal every waking moment, hallucinations, confused all the time and for the life of me I kept spacing out and forgetting small crap! I could barely function and even though I did my best to hold it in, people started to notice something was up, much to my horror. I hadn’t known back then that I was possibly being attacked for a reason. I had been having an identity crisis for years due to these voices… I had thought they were me for some reason, and with all this contradiction from all these voices I couldn’t tell who I should be. Who I should be was important to me as my number 1 obsession had been to be normal and well liked, funnily enough this obsession helped cure me too. The reason these voices suddenly started… dialling up more than before I believe was due to these weird moments of mental clarity I started having. I started thinking why does it matter who I choose to be? What if I can make all these personalities mine? Maybe I should act how I feel is right rather than what I perceive others want? I think the voices may have felt threatened?

One night my guardians told me to say a few words like I acknowledge Christ is the son of God the almighty and stuff… I don't really remember because I said this more to appease them than anything as I was not a believer… *awkward silence*. Only a week or two after my aunty came to visit. My aunty had recently gotten saved by the LORD, let me tell you I could see the difference! There's nothing more powerful than someone who just got saved. Her change was not something that can be put in words, it wasn’t physical, emotional or mentality. Strangely no one noticed my aunties change but myself. My aunty took me to the beach and she spoke about how she got saved to me, strangely I felt no urge to roll my eyes in disbelief. In fact her eyes had me in awe rather than just her story… I saw something that wasn’t her, I believe this to be the holy spirit. At this moment I knew I was being offered something great, a deal of sorts… he did not speak to me as a voice… more like i just knew what he wanted and what he was offering vaguely. It's hard for someone who hasn’t experienced the LORD to understand, but when you are before him you know it and it's undeniable, unmistakeable. This was my day of visitation and I didn't miss it.

After this moment on the beach I had changed? I felt true long lasting happiness, my depression gone, my anxiety melted away, I became a new person instantly. Though God will only do so much until you learn to ask and do for yourself. My voices remain and habits left unchecked continued. I was still under the impression these voices were just my thoughts but after being saved I was not really terrorised by them…it was like there was a block and only what I let in had access. I had these things in my head as long as I could remember so I did not think to… not let them in, is the best way i can explain it. It kind of seemed like they were trying to stay on the down low though.😅 God slowly showed me that these voices weren’t what i thought but i kind of couldn’t comprehend what he was meant… I swear I’m not as stupid as the story makes me sound. One day around age 17, 1 and a half years after I got saved I watched a video by this pastor online and I finally understood what God meant now…

(I don’t actually remember the exact video because of my turmoil but the Pastor I listen to is Stephen Darby of Destined Ministries, although he’s dead now he has so much good content check him out on youtube.)

Learning this I was of course devastated, I had thought I was becoming more normal then I found out well guess not! Of course I was in a state of panic! I wanted to talk to God but I grew up learning disorders or illnesses were incurable. After an hour of pure panic… I did speak about my worries and prayed that these voices would leave me. I didn’t really think it would work but God has the ability to always make me feel at peace or listened to, so obviously I sought out the comfort I needed. After I finished speaking with him I thought I’d go eat something to take my mind off this… whatever it was, guess what I noticed! They were gone! I wasn’t quite as relieved as you think I would be though. After a minute I wondered if they were tricking me so they could make me feel crap later or when they would come back. I was scared!

When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then he says, ‘I will return to my house from which I came.’ And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first.💀

Yeah, does anyone else remember that passage? because I sure did! I was like what have I done? I'm not ready for this, sob. Of course I was and am thankful but it turned out my fears were valid. A few nights after I was still unsure about what had happened and they came back to speak doubt… of course I told them that they were wrong in the things they spoke, but they told me something devastating that I wonder about from time to time. What if in your mental instability you tricked yourself into believing God is real? They really knew how to hurt me, it was a painful idea because it challenged what I now believe is the very fabric of my reality. It's hard when you believe you can’t trust yourself, though I still denied them. Though my life has been short and in dark places I still lived in the same reality that most other people do. Even if reality was distorted at times for me I could not possibly Imagine my whole life, live it, and someone not notice I don’t live in the reality we all share. You may wonder where this is going, right? I know for a fact that people in my family have been saved in miraculous ways, ways that are equally unexplainable. My family is full of tragic stories of addiction, abuse and poverty but now the people in this generation are finally breaking free, the common denominator being God in all cases. Even if I made my encounter with God up, I told those demons I have proof against their argument. Since then I have heard nothing from them and I doubt I ever will.

There is a lot missing in this story, no doubt you realised I did not elaborate on many things, but everything that is needed is in this. Plus I doubt people want to read an even bigger essay than I already made. I thought I would take my story to the grave but I realise that's unfair. How can I live a life free while there are possibly people looking for their way out too.

I just want people to know it's not impossible.