I'm certain that my dog is an alien. It is quite obvious that she is putting on an act. She is blatantly attempting to appear and behave like a dog. She's not very good at it. I've noticed her scrutinizing other dogs and then copying their behavior, mannerisms, etc. This is usually followed by a glance my way to see if her performance is working. I've let her know in no uncertain terms that I'm not buying into any of this nonsense. This is usually met with either ambivalence, or a renewed effort to go back to her old standbys, e.g. cute puppy behavior, peeing on the carpet, eating grass and barfing, etc.
The other giveaway was the other day when I returned from the store and found my computer on, browser open, and a few windows open to star charts, weather patterns, as well as some quite sophisticated mathematical conversion tables. These are not the kind of places that are likely to appear in my browsing history. She tried to play it off as if this all happened accidently by rolling around on the keyboard, and bumping the keys seemingly haphazardly bringing up yet more websites showing everything from solar flairs to pornography. Each site was mixed in with some barking, nervous scratching, or licking her crotch for added effect. Again, I wasn't buying any of it, and told her that I really didn't care what she was doing online. If she was looking for a way to get back to her planet or letting her superiors know the coordinates to blow the earth up, it made no difference to me.
A few nights ago as I was drifting off to sleep, I could have sworn I heard someone whispering into my ear, "Alpo sucks. Alpo is for dogs that prefer eating dirty diapers. Alpo sucks. Alpo tastes like crap...etc." I opened my eyes and sure enough she was right there in the dark acting like nothing was amiss. Even though I knew better, I was unable to purchase Alpo on the next trip to get dog food. Instead, I purchased the most expensive dog food on the shelf. This is not normal behavior for me. This dog food actually looks better than what I'm eating.
Just before leaving the store, I noticed some gaudy doggie bling which seemed too flashy to pass up. I rationalized that it was a good way to identify my dog in case she ever got lost. It's like she's taken over my thoughts, or perhaps more likely she's been planting these thoughts in my head each night before a trip to the pet store.
I tried putting those foam ear plugs in my ears, but they always end up chewed to pieces on the floor when I wake up in the morning. The next thing I know I'm pouring single malt scotch into her doggie bowl and buying complete sets of DVD's of old shows like Lassie and Rintintin. She seems to love watching these things along with The Nightly Business Report and The Wall Street Journal channel. Oh, and for no apparent reason I just closed out all my stocks and have been looking at properties in the Cayman Islands as well the Cook Islands; weird. I know this is her doing because six months ago I didn't even have a stock portfolio. Now I've got offshore bank accounts in Panama and the Cayman Islands.
Then just the other day she was rolling around next to one of my book cases and knocked one of the books onto the ground. She rolled around a few more times and the book flopped open. By this time I began to think she might start tearing it to pieces so I went over to put it back into the bookcase. It was the bible and it was opened to a passage that had been underlined by her claw with a few pieces of kibble as book ends to frame the verse. It was in the book of Amos, and it said: "A days wage for a loaf of bread". I noticed it, but didn't think much about it until the next day she had done the same thing. This time she had the verse underlined with an ad for single malt whiskey on sale at the local Booze Barn. It said something about mystery Babylon was fallen and everyone was mourning their loss.
A few days later I had a reminder on my email that pointed out that I had a coach ticket to the Cayman Islands along with a First class seat for her. She's actually small enough to go into one of those doggie carry on carriers, but she evidently decided that she wasn't about to travel the whole way stashed under my seat in coach. They're non refundable tickets so I guess we're going to the Cayman Islands. smh.
Oh, and she just told me that the stock market is pumped up bigger than a beached, and bloated whale about to pop.
The other giveaway was the other day when I returned from the store and found my computer on, browser open, and a few windows open to star charts, weather patterns, as well as some quite sophisticated mathematical conversion tables. These are not the kind of places that are likely to appear in my browsing history. She tried to play it off as if this all happened accidently by rolling around on the keyboard, and bumping the keys seemingly haphazardly bringing up yet more websites showing everything from solar flairs to pornography. Each site was mixed in with some barking, nervous scratching, or licking her crotch for added effect. Again, I wasn't buying any of it, and told her that I really didn't care what she was doing online. If she was looking for a way to get back to her planet or letting her superiors know the coordinates to blow the earth up, it made no difference to me.
A few nights ago as I was drifting off to sleep, I could have sworn I heard someone whispering into my ear, "Alpo sucks. Alpo is for dogs that prefer eating dirty diapers. Alpo sucks. Alpo tastes like crap...etc." I opened my eyes and sure enough she was right there in the dark acting like nothing was amiss. Even though I knew better, I was unable to purchase Alpo on the next trip to get dog food. Instead, I purchased the most expensive dog food on the shelf. This is not normal behavior for me. This dog food actually looks better than what I'm eating.
Just before leaving the store, I noticed some gaudy doggie bling which seemed too flashy to pass up. I rationalized that it was a good way to identify my dog in case she ever got lost. It's like she's taken over my thoughts, or perhaps more likely she's been planting these thoughts in my head each night before a trip to the pet store.
I tried putting those foam ear plugs in my ears, but they always end up chewed to pieces on the floor when I wake up in the morning. The next thing I know I'm pouring single malt scotch into her doggie bowl and buying complete sets of DVD's of old shows like Lassie and Rintintin. She seems to love watching these things along with The Nightly Business Report and The Wall Street Journal channel. Oh, and for no apparent reason I just closed out all my stocks and have been looking at properties in the Cayman Islands as well the Cook Islands; weird. I know this is her doing because six months ago I didn't even have a stock portfolio. Now I've got offshore bank accounts in Panama and the Cayman Islands.
Then just the other day she was rolling around next to one of my book cases and knocked one of the books onto the ground. She rolled around a few more times and the book flopped open. By this time I began to think she might start tearing it to pieces so I went over to put it back into the bookcase. It was the bible and it was opened to a passage that had been underlined by her claw with a few pieces of kibble as book ends to frame the verse. It was in the book of Amos, and it said: "A days wage for a loaf of bread". I noticed it, but didn't think much about it until the next day she had done the same thing. This time she had the verse underlined with an ad for single malt whiskey on sale at the local Booze Barn. It said something about mystery Babylon was fallen and everyone was mourning their loss.
A few days later I had a reminder on my email that pointed out that I had a coach ticket to the Cayman Islands along with a First class seat for her. She's actually small enough to go into one of those doggie carry on carriers, but she evidently decided that she wasn't about to travel the whole way stashed under my seat in coach. They're non refundable tickets so I guess we're going to the Cayman Islands. smh.
Oh, and she just told me that the stock market is pumped up bigger than a beached, and bloated whale about to pop.
