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As most of you are aware, we had a crash to forums and were down for over two days a while back. We did have to do an upgrade to the vbulletin software to fix the forums and that has created changes, VB no longer provide the hybrid or threaded forums. There are some issues/changes to the forums we are not able to fix or change. Also note the link address change, please let friends and posters know of the changed link to the forums. For now this is the only link available, https://forums.carm.org/vb5/ but if clicking on forum on carm.org homepage it will now send you to this link. (edited to add https: now working.

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Diane S
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Being the best wife I can be

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  • Being the best wife I can be

    I'm happily married to a kind christian man who shares my devotion to God and has pledged to live by the words of the bible as I have. From reading the scripture I know a good wife's job is to help and support her husband in any way she can. I want to be a good christian woman and I don't want to be crass but sometimes he wants me to do things I'm uncomfortable with in the bedroom. I know I'm supposed to follow my husband's leadership in the home but sometimes I'm not 'in the mood'. I love my husband and I know he is just trying to give me as much chance to have a child and follow woman's natural path to motherhood as god intended but at what point is it too much? Please help me, CARM has never lead me wrong

  • #2
    If you have a good relationship with your Christian husband, it may make sense of simply talking to him honestly about your concerns - of course, you need to judge it in your situation whether such conversation could help as this topic may be sensitive.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Grace_McKenna View Post
      I'm happily married to a kind christian man who shares my devotion to God and has pledged to live by the words of the bible as I have. From reading the scripture I know a good wife's job is to help and support her husband in any way she can. I want to be a good christian woman and I don't want to be crass but sometimes he wants me to do things I'm uncomfortable with in the bedroom. I know I'm supposed to follow my husband's leadership in the home but sometimes I'm not 'in the mood'. I love my husband and I know he is just trying to give me as much chance to have a child and follow woman's natural path to motherhood as god intended but at what point is it too much? Please help me, CARM has never lead me wrong
      Is your question: My husband is wanting me to engage in (or perform) sexual acts that I am not comfortable with, so what do I do about that?
      Or is your question: My husband wants to engage with me sexually when I'm not in the mood, so what do I do about that?
      Or is your question: How often is considered "too often" to have sex with my husband?
      Or is your question all of the above?

      I'd really like to offer you some help with your situation but I want to make sure I understand what your exact "issue" or "concern" is.

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      • #4
        Really, all of the above! He is the only man i've ever been with and I just don't know what to do!

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Grace_McKenna View Post
          Really, all of the above! He is the only man i've ever been with and I just don't know what to do!
          Hi Grace, I am so sorry it's taken me so long to respond as I was out of town for several days. Anyway, have you talked to your husband about your concerns? Open communication is key to a healthy sex life and marriage relationship. More specifically, this would be my counsel on each of the bullet points asked earlier:
          • If your husband is wanting you to engage in sexual acts that you are not comfortable doing, then you need to tell him that you are not comfortable doing "X,Y,Z." If He truly loves Jesus and loves you as his wife, he will not try to force anything upon you that you do not want nor enjoy.
          • When a husband's desire for sexual frequency and a wife's desire for sexual frequency are different (which is very common, by the way), then it is very important that the two of you communicate and work out a plan that fits both of your needs. Often times, a wife can feel like she has a low sex drive when in reality, she just never gets a chance to build up her own sexual desire because she is always trying to accommodate her husband's more frequent desires. That is why it is important that you two talk about it and come up with a plan that accommodates both of you, especially where you are able to give yourself a chance (and your husband gives you the chance) to build up your own desire for sex as opposed to you always doing it to please him or doing it so often that you never have a genuine desire for it yourself. This will be mutually beneficial for both of you, but it will take patience and a lot of love from your husband as he does his part to help you in this area.
          • You don't want to fall into the trap of just giving "duty sex" or "obligation sex" because not only will that leave you feeling "used" and your husband feeling like he's making love to a checked-out partner who's just going through the motions, it will also end up working against you both having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship in the long run. So talk about it and work through it together to find a balance that works for both of you, as you honor Jesus in your marriage.
          • How often is too often to have sex with your husband? There is no hard, fast rule. Each couple is different and each person's desire level is different - and can be constantly changing. Some couples have sex daily, some weekly, some a few times a week, others a few times a month, it really depends on "life" and what is going on, so there are many things that factor into it. But the important thing for you to remember is that there isn't a set "rule" for frequency in the Bible. If your husband is wanting sex so often that it has you operating from a duty standpoint instead of a mutually desired one, then that won't be healthy overall, long-term. So talking about the things that are troubling you will help the two of you come to some resolve on this important issue. My personal email is jomi@dc.rr.com if you want to discuss this more in detail.

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          • #6
            You know, I stumbled upon this post by chance.... I've been married 12 yrs to my wife and it seems the bedroom is our issue as well. We have two kids our youngest being 7 and I've tried being patient and waiting but always end up being let down and disappointed. After our youngest was born there was no intimacy for two years (never once) now, maybe it's like once every 5-6 months... it tears me up badly... I want to understand and do at times but this pushes me to the point of never trying ever again. I am the one who initiates the kisses, hugs, holding-hug, the I love you.... I work 45 hrs a week and come home to continue doing more house work like clothes, dishes etc... I am not thinking of divorce because it isn't the answer but I am frustrated and talking about sex is dirty to her... I'm surprised she still lets me hold her in bed but once she's ready to sleep tells me to roll over...

            Signed Frustrated, Ready to quit trying

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Grace_McKenna View Post
              I'm happily married to a kind christian man who shares my devotion to God and has pledged to live by the words of the bible as I have. From reading the scripture I know a good wife's job is to help and support her husband in any way she can. I want to be a good christian woman and I don't want to be crass but sometimes he wants me to do things I'm uncomfortable with in the bedroom. I know I'm supposed to follow my husband's leadership in the home but sometimes I'm not 'in the mood'. I love my husband and I know he is just trying to give me as much chance to have a child and follow woman's natural path to motherhood as god intended but at what point is it too much? Please help me, CARM has never lead me wrong
              It is best to give all credit to God!

              I pray that your husband is sensitive to your needs.

              If God has given you strong convictions and sensitivities concerning your husband and your sexual needs then do what you believe God wills.

              If you do not know God's will in this matter then God is not going to hold your responsible for your lack of knowledge but wants you to approach him.

              Myself, I can not give sexual advice but can only encourage you to trust God and he will sanctify you with his Word.

              Now, if you find something offensive on your partners side do you not think God will cover you and protect you?

              If we are going to make a stand for God then we need to know what we are standing in and walk with spiritual empowerment other wise we are still in the flesh and dependent on God's mercy and grace and atoning cleansing.

              It will take the time that it takes long or short for God to do his work but God comfort you and protect you in the meantime and the same for your husband.

              God bless you,

              SeventhDay

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Grace_McKenna View Post
                I'm happily married to a kind christian man who shares my devotion to God and has pledged to live by the words of the bible as I have. From reading the scripture I know a good wife's job is to help and support her husband in any way she can. I want to be a good christian woman and I don't want to be crass but sometimes he wants me to do things I'm uncomfortable with in the bedroom. I know I'm supposed to follow my husband's leadership in the home but sometimes I'm not 'in the mood'. I love my husband and I know he is just trying to give me as much chance to have a child and follow woman's natural path to motherhood as god intended but at what point is it too much? Please help me, CARM has never lead me wrong
                Well, I have been married for nearly 45 years and would like to help you. I told my own daughter right before she got married that anything she and her husband did concerning sex was fine so long as it wasn't harmful or painful, was done in private, and THEY BOTH AGREED TO IT. I told them "You can do it swinging from the chandelier if you want to--just make sure it can support both of your weights!"

                There was one only one thing I refused to do with my husband, and I told him I didn't like it. He acquiesced and never asked me to do it again. That was decades ago.

                So, if hubby wants you to do something you are not comfortable with, then gently tell him. Reassure him that you love him, and if he loves you as you love him, then he should agree to abide by your wishes.
                "I am tired of being treated like a mushroom--they keep me in the dark and feed me manure!" (reasons why a Mormon was leaving the LDS church)
                "What people don't realize is how much religion costs. They think faith is a big electric blanket, when of course, it is the cross."--Flannery O'Connor
                "I am a Missouri Synod Lutheran--NOT REFORMED/CALVINIST. PLEASE learn the difference."
                "The truth may hurt for a little while, but a lie hurts forever."--anonymous
                "If Jesus isn't THE WAY, then there is nothing else."--Bob

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