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Why are guys so hard to read?

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  • Why are guys so hard to read?

    I have been texting this guy I like almost every day for a month. I've known him for a few years and we have become pretty good friends. We have had some really great conversations and we have a lot in common. He goes to my church and my parents are friends with his parents. We went to prom together last weekend and we had a great time. He said we should hang out again. Does this mean as friends or does he want to go on a date? We have talked a little less since prom, but that's because we both have finals coming up. I really like him and want him to ask me out, but I don't want to be pushy. I cant tell if he just wants to be friends or if he is just too shy! What do you guys think?

  • #2
    The matter has probably already been resolved since this op was posted a week and a half ago, but....
    Originally posted by Victoria_S View Post
    I have been texting this guy I like almost every day for a month. I've known him for a few years and we have become pretty good friends. We have had some really great conversations and we have a lot in common. He goes to my church and my parents are friends with his parents. We went to prom together last weekend and we had a great time. He said we should hang out again. Does this mean as friends or does he want to go on a date? We have talked a little less since prom, but that's because we both have finals coming up. I really like him and want him to ask me out, but I don't want to be pushy. I cant tell if he just wants to be friends or if he is just too shy! What do you guys think?
    First: Pray. Tell God what you think, what you feel, all your hopes and fears, and ask Him what He wants you to do. Stop reading right this second and do so now.

    Next: I think you should ask him if he wants to be friends or something more. Why? Because the experience will mature you one way or another.

    But I have to ask about the measure of your relationship. You are "pretty good friends" and you went to the prom. So what? In other words, what does going to the prom mean other than a continuation of the friendship? How does going to the prom change the friendship in your thinking (because it may not have changed the nature of the relationship at all in his mind)?

    Which brings me to two points you'll learn are very important as you grow into adulthood.

    The first is: speak up! Have a voice in your own life and in your own relationships. Learn how to be assertive, not aggressive or avoidant. Assertive people know how to politely and respectfully express their thoughts, emotions, hopes, and goals, while politely and respectfully listening to others express their thoughts, emotions, hopes, and goals (even when the latter doesn't do so politely and respectfully). Manners and respect are key (Eph. 4:29).

    The second is: Learn to manage your own expectations first. In order for any expectation to work and not cause trouble for you it must be 1) conscious, 2) spoken and thereby mutually shared, and 3) agreed upon.

    Conscious
    Spoken or Mutually Shared
    Agreed Upon

    When you're not aware of what you're expecting you'll disappoint and probably aggravate yourself. If you don't speak your expectations out loud then they'll never be discussed and if they're not discussed then they'll never be agreed upon and the two of you won't be operating on common expectations.

    If you're just out of high school then be patient with yourself. You're in adolescence which is just a fancy term for that middle stage when you're growing out of childhood into adulthood, girlhood into womanhood, and a faith taught to you by others wo a faith for which you take ownership. It's an enormous task that many fail at. So be patient with yourself. Adolescence doesn't actually stop with the teen years; although you'll become better at this adult thing as you grow it doesn't really ever end. The psychoanalytic psychologist studied adolescence and found the primary task was identity formation. Nowadays it is generally agreed upon that this adolescent stage of identity formation isn't complete until the early 20s. So be patient with yourself.

    Everyone makes mistakes.
    Making mistakes isn't the problem; the problem is failing to learn from one's mistakes.
    It is better to make mistakes learning how to assert yourself, become increasingly better at having a voice in your own life than to never have a voice and never manage your own expectations.


    Do you feel that nervousness inside you when I write about speaking to this young man? That is normal. Seriously. It's normal so get used to it. Learn how to be the person you want to be even when you feel nervous. Speak up! Know what you want! Figure it out.

    Look, it's real simple: if this guy doesn't want to be better friends with you then it's probably best, even though that news will likely feel like rejection. Feel and deal.... politely, respectfully, assertively. First with yourself because if you don't respect you then no one else will, either.


    Now if you're just out of high school then you're probably eighteen. If you're eighteen why do you want something more out of this relationship than just "pretty good friends"? You've got plenty of time to find a young man who will tell you what he wants without you having to wonder or ask. Until then be friends because pretty good friends are hard to come by.


    I'll confess an anecdote to you that might help (although it might undermine your confidence in the advice I just gave). I met a girl I thought was very pretty, intelligent, and outgoing in the French Club. I asked her out on a date and thoroughly enjoyed myself, so I asked her to the prom during my junior year. I really liked her, at least as much as I knew her, and I had a delightful time at the prom. But the next school day all my neighborhood friends teased me horribly. They said she was bug-eyed and looked like a frog and ridiculed me all the way to school. I felt so self-conscious I never spoke to her again. I deeply regret having behaved so poorly. Keep in mind this was decades ago, long before cell phones and it was fairly easy to avoid a person. I saw her at a party some time later after I'd gotten up the nerve to speak to her about my regrets but by then she was filled with so much anger she lit into me with vitriol I never imagined she could muster until she ran out of steam and then told me she never wanted to see me again.

    I tell you this because he can't hurt you unless you let yourself be hurt. I tell you this because you don't know what's going on with the young man. He too may be sacred or he could just be clueless. We guys tend to be that way. Just ask your dad's mom how clueless he was as a teen.

    Which brings me to my last bit of advice: go talk to your dad. Your dad knows boys, and he knows the challenges of growing from childhood to adulthood, from boyhood to manhood, and he knows how to let himself be captured by a woman whom he loves. He's a wealth of information that if you're wise you'll learn to seek out and apply often. Then talk to mom. The two of them have been through it before. Your parents are likely to be a safer relationship in which to learn to speak up and work out your expectations and their job is to help you learn how to grow from childhood into adulthood, from girlhood into womanhood, and from a faith they trained into you into a faith upon which you can stand firmly (even when a boy doesn't call you back). If you use them well now then you'll need them less in the future.


    I also think "Boundaries in Dating" by Henry Cloud is an excellent read. Blessing Victoria. If you don't mind, I'd like to know how it turns out.

    (my apologies for the length)
    All verses cited or quoted or in the NAS unless otherwise noted.

    “if anyone competes as an athlete, he does not win the prize unless he competes according to the rules.” (2 Tim. 2:5)

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    • #3
      "Why are guys so hard to read?"

      A great many of men are confused and NOT living epistles - which make them hard to read.

      IF you knew Scripture and you're dealing with a man who claims Christ, then reading the man is the same as reading Christ/Word.

      Go to a Christian bookstore. There you might meet a man who can be read. Make sure there's nothing wrong with your eyesight
      BIBLICAL CHRISTIANITY
      Where Bible and Christian Meet

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      • #4
        Dear Victoria: If you are interested in him, you have to be literal and ask him.
        Say I am interested in you as more than a friend, is it mutual?
        My boyfriend is honest and will say "I don't know" if that is really the answer.
        The same way guys are literal and don't read/interpret signals,
        just ask directly if you want a direct answer. If anything, he'd take it as a compliment that you are interested.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Victoria_S View Post
          I have been texting this guy I like almost every day for a month. I've known him for a few years and we have become pretty good friends. We have had some really great conversations and we have a lot in common. He goes to my church and my parents are friends with his parents. We went to prom together last weekend and we had a great time. He said we should hang out again. Does this mean as friends or does he want to go on a date? We have talked a little less since prom, but that's because we both have finals coming up. I really like him and want him to ask me out, but I don't want to be pushy. I cant tell if he just wants to be friends or if he is just too shy! What do you guys think?
          Any updates? Seeing as how this is over a year old, am wondering what transpired? He either did not know what he was doing or not that interested. Attraction not always reciprocated. So what did you do Victoria? Move on or nab Romeo?

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