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Is God "Still" Drawing Me?

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  • Is God "Still" Drawing Me?

    I've been stuck on this just as much as I've been stuck on the "do I have faith?" question. Is it common to feel split in half whether pre-salvation or just in general? Spiritually, I cannot make an ultimate decision and one thing I've been contemplating is whether God is truly calling me or not. Simply placing it, most questions to me are either a solid yes or a solid no. "Do you care about your salvation?" Yes!! No!! "Do you desire to follow Jesus?" Yes!!! No!!! ...I've posted similar dispositions so many times that I think a lot of people who've read my threads already get the gist.

    My main issue on points with this is that there are moments where the "No!" pretty much rules everything else out. I want God to draw me...and please take this seriously...my mom thinks I'm confused for asking that and my teacher (who's extremely Christian) blows it off as just another obscure question. I want the desires that other Christians have and I am being 100% honest...not the "fakes" who preach out loud just to make an impression. No, I want those desires, I just can't work up the desire and impulse to pray constantly like I used to. I mean...I'm weak. I am such a weak human being. An another person drew the conclusion that what I was asking for was God to just make me a puppet...which is...an interesting....interpretation...but I'm in a spot where I don't think I'm saved and now I don't think God is drawing me. I'm at war with my conscious, 'Do I wanna be saved?' Yes....no...? No sounds like a dimwitted answer but I'm guessing that it may fall under the "I just don't care" category and I think that's where I'm at.

    I have a psychological issue and this has been the forefront since last August. Now I've been told many times to go see a counselor but the last time I went they insisted that I should be taken to the ER immediately... I know I'm not too crazy, it's just when it comes to what happens after you die, your eternity spent in flames or in Holy grounds can kind of be important to take awareness of.

    It's easy to assume that the first few replies I'm going to get back from this are either "You wouldn't care if He wasn't drawing you!" or simply Philippians 1:6 which is nice and touching and quite generous 'n all; but I've heard it before. Now please don't be offended, my mind is sick...really sick...and when you're way more of an intellectual person, emotions seem kind of deluded and when you rely on your mind that feed's back and forth "I want to be saved!" "I don't give two s****!" "No, that's wrong! I need a Savior." "Life'll be too boring if I spend it following an invisible "Creator"." "I gotta read the Bible." "Ehhh...lame. It's boring anyway and God won't answer my prayers..." "Is God calling me?" "I doubt it..." day after day. I take medicine and the medicine won't work...someone tells me that the undesirable is not who I am and I get confused. There are moments where I even question if I'm being sincere or not? Am I putting my whole heart into it when I pray? I don't feel like I am. God doesn't send us a gift basket full of fruits with a Halmark card saying "Congrats, You're saved!" Written in cursive handwriting outlining the O's with hearts..no....and if He has then that person must be very lucky in His book..... There are moments where I just wanted to hit my head against something solid hard like a rock because I go through this every day. Wake up every morning "Gee, wanna work on that cool video project?" "No that's too much fun, I might sin and completely fall away from God". On *************** someone told me that my description made it look like I thought God was weak but from where I'm sitting I'm concerned if I'm in the same boat as the other "Christians" who maybe wear a cross necklace or maybe go to church when they have nothing else to do. But any reply please refer to it to the psychological division that I am going through. The "I want/don't want(or care) to be saved!"......that cycle.
    " God was not made for us; We were made for Him "

  • #2
    Help...?
    " God was not made for us; We were made for Him "

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by HannahElizaW View Post
      I've been stuck on this just as much as I've been stuck on the "do I have faith?" question. Is it common to feel split in half whether pre-salvation or just in general? Spiritually, I cannot make an ultimate decision and one thing I've been contemplating is whether God is truly calling me or not. Simply placing it, most questions to me are either a solid yes or a solid no. "Do you care about your salvation?" Yes!! No!! "Do you desire to follow Jesus?" Yes!!! No!!! ...I've posted similar dispositions so many times that I think a lot of people who've read my threads already get the gist.

      My main issue on points with this is that there are moments where the "No!" pretty much rules everything else out. I want God to draw me...and please take this seriously...my mom thinks I'm confused for asking that and my teacher (who's extremely Christian) blows it off as just another obscure question. I want the desires that other Christians have and I am being 100% honest...not the "fakes" who preach out loud just to make an impression. No, I want those desires, I just can't work up the desire and impulse to pray constantly like I used to. I mean...I'm weak. I am such a weak human being. An another person drew the conclusion that what I was asking for was God to just make me a puppet...which is...an interesting....interpretation...but I'm in a spot where I don't think I'm saved and now I don't think God is drawing me. I'm at war with my conscious, 'Do I wanna be saved?' Yes....no...? No sounds like a dimwitted answer but I'm guessing that it may fall under the "I just don't care" category and I think that's where I'm at.

      I have a psychological issue and this has been the forefront since last August. Now I've been told many times to go see a counselor but the last time I went they insisted that I should be taken to the ER immediately... I know I'm not too crazy, it's just when it comes to what happens after you die, your eternity spent in flames or in Holy grounds can kind of be important to take awareness of.

      It's easy to assume that the first few replies I'm going to get back from this are either "You wouldn't care if He wasn't drawing you!" or simply Philippians 1:6 which is nice and touching and quite generous 'n all; but I've heard it before. Now please don't be offended, my mind is sick...really sick...and when you're way more of an intellectual person, emotions seem kind of deluded and when you rely on your mind that feed's back and forth "I want to be saved!" "I don't give two s****!" "No, that's wrong! I need a Savior." "Life'll be too boring if I spend it following an invisible "Creator"." "I gotta read the Bible." "Ehhh...lame. It's boring anyway and God won't answer my prayers..." "Is God calling me?" "I doubt it..." day after day. I take medicine and the medicine won't work...someone tells me that the undesirable is not who I am and I get confused. There are moments where I even question if I'm being sincere or not? Am I putting my whole heart into it when I pray? I don't feel like I am. God doesn't send us a gift basket full of fruits with a Halmark card saying "Congrats, You're saved!" Written in cursive handwriting outlining the O's with hearts..no....and if He has then that person must be very lucky in His book..... There are moments where I just wanted to hit my head against something solid hard like a rock because I go through this every day. Wake up every morning "Gee, wanna work on that cool video project?" "No that's too much fun, I might sin and completely fall away from God". On *************** someone told me that my description made it look like I thought God was weak but from where I'm sitting I'm concerned if I'm in the same boat as the other "Christians" who maybe wear a cross necklace or maybe go to church when they have nothing else to do. But any reply please refer to it to the psychological division that I am going through. The "I want/don't want(or care) to be saved!"......that cycle.
      Hey Hannah thank you for being so open. I'm really sorry about what you're going through. It sounds really stressful. Again I can relate with you. I've struggled with depression and ocd in the past and still do to some degree. It's taken its toll. I read about the condition you said you have Scrupulosity and I might have that too. I'm into theology and can get really obsessive and negative about religious things. I can compare myself to others and feel behind and alone. But I know each of us is unique with different strengths weaknesses experiences trials and journeys. Whoever we are and whatever we've gone through we do what we can similar to the woman in Mark 14:8. Anyway to answer your question I think God is still drawing you. Just seeing how much you care about God-related things tells me that. It seems you're troubled by doubt and how you don't think you're performing at the right level. I've been troubled by the same thing. I've also thought I was a failure who wasn't doing enough good works and wasn't at the level God approved of. God's word has been a sword for me in this fight. Two passages that have really helped me are Luke 18:9-14 and 1 John 3:23. The former because it reminds me that it's all about God's grace in the end not us and there's hope in that. Reminds me that we're all sinners but He can still embrace us in our weakness and helplessness even if I don't feel like I can embrace myself. The latter because it reminds me of what the faith is all about. Trusting in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ leaning on Him and showing His love to others. Both passages give me peace and purpose. I hope they help you too as they've helped me.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by HannahElizaW View Post
        Help...?
        Sorry if I come off as preachy and if I'm not helping. People can get the wrong idea about me. I try to do good. If you want to talk about things more I'd be glad to listen and give feedback if you want it. Do you currently fellowship with a church?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Joseph Or View Post
          Do you currently fellowship with a church?
          Currently? No.
          " God was not made for us; We were made for Him "

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by HannahElizaW View Post
            Currently? No.
            Oh ok. Would you like to fellowship with a church or connect with fellow believers? I'm an introvert and I know for me the large church group environment can be too much but one on one can be nice.
            Last edited by Joseph Or; 03-05-15, 05:44 AM.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by HannahElizaW View Post
              Currently? No.
              Sorry about that I got rid of the other account. Anyway I ask these questions because I know connecting with people can help and I care about you and want you to get support.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by HannahElizaW View Post
                Currently? No.
                I'm still here.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by HannahElizaW View Post
                  Help...?
                  I think it'll help if you do more things you enjoy and have more joy in your life. Having more joy in my life has helped me overcome the obsessive depressed negative and extreme mindset I can get into. Not letting sin take over but still enjoying life. Reminds me of Ecclesiastes 7:16-18. Having balance and avoiding extremes. What do you think of this?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Joe O View Post
                    I think it'll help if you do more things you enjoy and have more joy in your life. Having more joy in my life has helped me overcome the obsessive depressed negative and extreme mindset I can get into. Not letting sin take over but still enjoying life. Reminds me of Ecclesiastes 7:16-18. Having balance and avoiding extremes. What do you think of this?
                    I think it almost describes me perfectly
                    " God was not made for us; We were made for Him "

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by HannahElizaW View Post
                      I think it almost describes me perfectly
                      Oh ok. Joy helps me. We're similar so I think it'll help you too. I like your signature btw. What brings you joy if you don't mind me asking?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Joe O View Post
                        Oh ok. Joy helps me. We're similar so I think it'll help you too. I like your signature btw. What brings you joy if you don't mind me asking?
                        Joy?...well....I tend to imagine myself as a philanthropist when I get older...I'm going into the local business college for a double degree in International Business BBA and a MBA in Accounting which of course is fluxed around money...but I enjoy linguistics and the study of it. What brings me joy is typically helping people out in ways they wouldn't expect it. I, by no means, intend to brag but I enjoy a lot of the kind acts I do. Like this one time, this sophomore at my high school started crying in the middle of lunch. I mean all the waterworks...and what was interesting was that morning I had brought a $10 for my lunch but wanted to spend some of it on these candy bars ($1 per bar) and the girl who was selling them couldn't break my ten so I wound up walking around the school with ten chocolate bars...by the time it got to lunch I was down to only one left so when the girl started crying, it was some instinct to go give it to her, but she stormed off into the restrooms...so I walked up to her lunch table set the chocolate bar on her bag and looked her friend dead in the eye and told her it was for her (the girl who was crying). I think being a philanthropist would be fun/awesome/cool. Like those videos where these people have little to no money but then a stranger comes up to them and offers to buy all of their groceries. Like that would be cool. I'd wear a costume so nobody knows who it was...helping/giving is my joy... sometimes I find joy in linguistics or music but it's kinda hard to keep a smile off my face when you helo someone out like that...
                        " God was not made for us; We were made for Him "

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by HannahElizaW View Post
                          Joy?...well....I tend to imagine myself as a philanthropist when I get older...I'm going into the local business college for a double degree in International Business BBA and a MBA in Accounting which of course is fluxed around money...but I enjoy linguistics and the study of it. What brings me joy is typically helping people out in ways they wouldn't expect it. I, by no means, intend to brag but I enjoy a lot of the kind acts I do. Like this one time, this sophomore at my high school started crying in the middle of lunch. I mean all the waterworks...and what was interesting was that morning I had brought a $10 for my lunch but wanted to spend some of it on these candy bars ($1 per bar) and the girl who was selling them couldn't break my ten so I wound up walking around the school with ten chocolate bars...by the time it got to lunch I was down to only one left so when the girl started crying, it was some instinct to go give it to her, but she stormed off into the restrooms...so I walked up to her lunch table set the chocolate bar on her bag and looked her friend dead in the eye and told her it was for her (the girl who was crying). I think being a philanthropist would be fun/awesome/cool. Like those videos where these people have little to no money but then a stranger comes up to them and offers to buy all of their groceries. Like that would be cool. I'd wear a costume so nobody knows who it was...helping/giving is my joy... sometimes I find joy in linguistics or music but it's kinda hard to keep a smile off my face when you helo someone out like that...
                          That's great you enjoy helping people! The Christian life is about helping people so stuff like this shows God is still drawing you. Hannah the philanthropist. Thank you for sharing that story. It was nice of you to give your last chocolate bar to that girl. It was God's will. Giving is gratifying. Keep it up!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by HannahElizaW View Post
                            Joy?...well....I tend to imagine myself as a philanthropist when I get older...I'm going into the local business college for a double degree in International Business BBA and a MBA in Accounting which of course is fluxed around money...but I enjoy linguistics and the study of it. What brings me joy is typically helping people out in ways they wouldn't expect it. I, by no means, intend to brag but I enjoy a lot of the kind acts I do. Like this one time, this sophomore at my high school started crying in the middle of lunch. I mean all the waterworks...and what was interesting was that morning I had brought a $10 for my lunch but wanted to spend some of it on these candy bars ($1 per bar) and the girl who was selling them couldn't break my ten so I wound up walking around the school with ten chocolate bars...by the time it got to lunch I was down to only one left so when the girl started crying, it was some instinct to go give it to her, but she stormed off into the restrooms...so I walked up to her lunch table set the chocolate bar on her bag and looked her friend dead in the eye and told her it was for her (the girl who was crying). I think being a philanthropist would be fun/awesome/cool. Like those videos where these people have little to no money but then a stranger comes up to them and offers to buy all of their groceries. Like that would be cool. I'd wear a costume so nobody knows who it was...helping/giving is my joy... sometimes I find joy in linguistics or music but it's kinda hard to keep a smile off my face when you helo someone out like that...
                            Btw Hannah I've noticed on more than one occasion now that the threads you create aren't accessible. If this isn't your intention something must be wrong with the settings.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Have you read the Gospel of John recently?
                              Mouser Larry Roy: "yippee ki yay"
                              “... see the loonies in their cages… are they not witty… how much amusement they afford… ours is a human world, theirs is a bestial world… " Bedlam

                              Comment

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